the stupidest guide to suicide

It’s a very sensitive topic so I want you to sit down and keep it calm a bit.

You are here because you want to suicide or you are tired of life and thinking of ending it all, godSo let me be clear at first, it’s not as easy as it seems.

You see, it’s in our DNA, the fundamental of human nature that one cannot hurt themselves.God had made us like this, you cannot hold your breath longer than your body let you, you cannot cut yourself or bite yourself to death without any of outside help.

when God created any living being, he put an instinct to protect itself at any cost. God has also made us this way to naturally protected by nature itself. He makes skin fair for those who live in cold atmosphere so that little bit of sunlight can make them warmer. He makes colure of skin black who lived in Africa so that sun won’t hurt them. so you see even god doesn’t want you to end it.

For my atheist friend who doesn’t believe in god, its pure science, there is no god to guide us  and its pure luck that we are still alive, then you should be feeling lucky right now that you still alive. We are alive because we struggle and hustle each and every day. We survived because we are on the top of any food chain. You have came this far, so your intelligent enough to go one more step ahead.

But you are so determine that all This fact is mumbo-jumbo to you than I will tell you the best way to end your life. But first I need to tell you which way is the worst way to exit this world.

1. Hanging: the most famous and easiest way is hang yourself and die. But what you don’t know is what happens when chair is gone away and your leg is up in the air. First if you’re lucky your neck will be broken and you died right there, but 90% of time that won’t happen.Your neck will feel the rope getting tighter and tighter around it, then you gasp for air cause your air tube is locked, your leg start twitching and hand started to act naturally by trying to escape the rope, the most dangerous and tragic thing is, hanging is one of the death which you can’t escape, it mean when you jump from that table, there is no point of return.

   Dying by suffocation is one the most painful death you don’t even wish to give your worst   enemy. Every single second passing by and you will feel pain is gaining and you are losing control of your own body. We don’t know yet but I think most of the people who suicide by hanging, must have regretted second later that it was too much easy to live then die this way.

   

2. Shooting yourself: in India it’s hard to acquire fire arms so you need to forget it right away, for other country, yes it seems the fastest one. Just point the gun in your head and shoot.No, not that easy, a gun is a powerful weapon, its need lots of practice to get familiar with it, while shooting it you will feel a great deal of shock in your hand, it’s a bad thing for suicide. 50% chances are you will miss and hit something else, which make odd not in your favor. If the bullet won’t hit certain part of your brain then you will be badly injured. And the pain will be unbearable. Not to mention that you will be alive but in coma. So you will be helpless and full with pain. Also our skull is so strong,  sometime it can bounce the bullet just a little bit and it’s a fairly possible that it will hurt your brain which can cause you much trouble. Suppose you are a marksmen and really lucky then the pain when bullet touches you skin, drill in to your skull, traveling thru it and find its way on the other side is not easy.

   Also when you die, there will be big hole where bullet came out and its look terrible that no one will stand to see it, so you will be hurting your loved one even when you’re dead.It’s hard to digest all this but trust me, shooting your self is as bad as throwing yourself in a snake pit.

   

3. Overdose: when you live in city and work under lots of stress. Sleeping pills are come in handy. And when you think of ending, it would be easier to die in sleep. You must be thinking, yes, die in sleep, peacefully. Then no, it’s a wrong answer. When you need to sleep you would need one pill or maybe two, but for dying you will need more than dozen.

   So one pill makes you sleep like baby, dozen will change it all. It won’t make you peaceful, it rather makes you depressed. You will die by respiratory depression. Means you will stop breathing. As you read before when you hang you self same thing will happen but this time in you sleep, but you will feel everything because your mind will be trying harder and harder to stay alive. And the worst thing is, you will be laying there semi parlays, and you will feel that pain and can’t do anything about it. You can see the dilemma, you wanted to die peacefully and still you will be feeling that pain. Now tell me, how is that easy?

4. Jumping from the height: find a highest point you could possible find, reach there and jump, everything will be taken care by gravity. Right? But, yes there is a but in it because I will not help you to die. Suppose that height is not high enough then you will broke your body,

   You land on your feet, you will broke your spine, not every time, but you must have heard of stories people jumping of aeroplane and survived, so it’s pretty thin but one must need to consider it. After all now days you just can’t walk in to the terrace of a tall building.And the most important thing is pain will be 100 times worse than any other.

4. Drowning: it’s the most inhuman and barbaric death one can think to do to himself.I don’t know how to swim so I am the most frighten by it, but think about it. In this world when you find yourself alone and helpless to change the circumstances and you decide to end yourself by drowning and just minute later you will feel the same helplessness and see yourself trapped in it. Remember, you body will do anything to survive weather you like it or not.

There is lots and lots more ways to die, but I hope reading this will make you think for little bit. I understand, there is no way, you are stuck, and there is no other way to find any solution for your problem. Loss in business, loss of your loved one, losing your love. Trust me I have been there. And I am telling you all this because I was there, where you are right now. Things are not changed yet for me. You see, when you have finally a will to live, you will have more and more problems. It’s a gods way to punish you to disobeying him. But somehow we all can get thru this.

I was in debt once, I also lost a family member and I had also lost my true love more then once, but that doesn’t mean I stop living, I say live and mock all those who wish you dead. Even when god is trying to kill you, you survive and show him the middle finger. I say put up your best fight, cause its not a battlefield, its much more harder than that. Dyeing is easy, living is harder. And you are the rock who held the tide at the bay.

If you still think that you need to die, then I urge you, go to those terrorist and first kill few of them and then die. At last your death will bring little peace to the world.

 

Zanzi – #ATOZCHALLENGE

I remember it perfectly, it was 25th January 2001, when I meet her the first time and fallen love with her at the same moment. Zanzi, my doggy.

It was some construction worker who bought her to my home and at the end of the day, I refuse to let her go. My father had one condition, you are going to take care of her. Actually I was little back then so I didn’t know it was her not he. But it didn’t matter even after.

Now raising a puppy is as same as a child. You need to take care of it with extreme delicately. I make little bed for her, bring a saucer for milk and water. I also clean her poop for few days. But as you know I was lazy. After a month, she was part of the family and every one take care of her.

Trust me when I say, she was a drama queen, she try to climb the stairs and then fall, then walk with one leg up making sad faces. Every morning my mom wake up first, so she will be like running and licking leg and rolling on floor, my mom always said to her, yes I know you are hungry, don’t dramatize it and she make rotis or rotla(with Bajra) pour ghee on it and then she eat. You see she don’t eat cold food. Royal one.

There was once a traveling monkey came to my house, every year there is few monkey visit our village, and they are as big as teenage boy. Now it was her first time. Monkey was sitting on the wall of terrace and she goes to the terrace and bark. Monkey tries to slap her but she was fast. In the end that big monkey pooped and peed and run away and she came down,  exhausted, walking  like drunken and vomit. She doesn’t know when to stop barking.

She loved dhokla and boiled Corn. Even when my mom was cocking it she smells it and start barking. My mom always gave her the first one. She was foodie you know. She love cakes and all the fancy stuff, as a dog we always feared what if she kills bird and eat but it was happened only once and she didn’t eat that.

She love going out, we used to take walk for miles, we twice take her to Diu, and she loved the sand and ocean. She also loves to stand on seat and look behind. She never grows after a foot.

She was loyal, and furious when she needed to be. Me and my brother used to tease her, when she started to get angry and show teeth we put our palm in her mouth. She never bit it, she calm down instantly and start licking my hand.

In 2006 or 07, I don’t remember the day, I came from my classes at evening, and I heard my sister crying. I saw my mom’s eyes teary and my father upset. She was no more. Apparently it was stomach bug. I didn’t believe, I touch her, I poke her, I call her name, she didn’t move. I sat down near her and try to pamper her but she didn’t wake up.

We buried her with respect as much as a human.

After that my mom said no to any pet. She was too much heart broken. Dogs have limited life. They came to our world and make us happy. No matter we beat them or be angry on them they always came to us smiling. I will never forget all those moments I spend with her, she was my best friend and my partner in crime. She was not from high breed, she was just a street dog with royal attitude.

Now every time I see a street dog I go to them and pamper them, give them some attention. Feed them. No matter how angry a dog can be I can calm them down easily. I never been feard from gangs of dogs.if you have a dog then you are the luckiest person. Hug them cause they won’t stay with you forever.

With this 26th post on my atoz challenge, I realize how precious life can be, how foolishly we spend it. I began this journey to my find old self. But I think I lost him on the day my zanzi died. So love your self and don’t let your zanzi go, hold on to them.
And please adopt a street dog.

You don’t know me yet – #ATOZCHALLENGE

Robert Downey Jr’s Twitter profile says,You know who I am. It is so simple but yet so powerful, it’s show the simplicity and huge fan power. But I will not talk about him here, well it’s my blog.

If you have read my blog from the beginning, you would start to feel now you know me better, well you just scratch the surface.

I have anger management issues, I loss temper easily, it’s not like I hit every one but I just lost my sense of thinking. It’s like hulk said in Avengers, that’s my secret, I am always angry. The burning rage, but I have to keep calm, lots of people depending on me to be calm.

I easily get bored, nothing in this world which make focus on one single thing for a while. I get distracted and then move ahead, lots and lots of stories stayed unfinished and then lost.its like my mind and my self work on different level of speed, my mind is running on lighting speed and I was not.

I don’t get emotional much, its like I reprogram my emotions and now I feel nothing, not so true but in many ways. Like few days ago, I accidentally cut my self, then I bump in to table, then I slipped on the hard surface. Trust me it’s hurt like hell but just after all those things happened, I forgot the pain and started working what I was doing. Like it was never happened. There is no place for pain in my life.

I was fragile, so soft that even ant bite make me wine for few hours. Scolding by parents, bullied by classmates, disappointed by my life, I know what real pain feel like.but pain and fear are not real, it’s choice we make.

It’s same philosophy as in the matrix movie, you know that gravity is a real thing, it’s basic rule of physics, but it doesn’t mean you have to believe in it. Forget the rule and you will start flying.

Forget the pain and nothing can hurt you.

And it’s just a surface, I have layers which have layers. A mask inside a mask. And I don’t let anyone inside it. It’s make people vulnerable, But I do believe in love. I have found one and I will hold on to it no matter what.

You will think maybe I ran out of stories, that’s why all this philosophical chit chat I am doing, nope, zed is coming and I have been waiting for the z for a long time. It’s just when people messed with me, I feel like, do you even know who I am? How far I can go? But hey it’s good to be trolled, cause there are actual people who are afraid of you and jealous of you.

X- suicidal – #ATOZCHALLENGE

First let me confirm, I am not suicidal, it’s about story of my friend (and my x crush) which also includes me. 

So in one fine afternoon, I was sleeping at my hostel, because it was friendship day celebration at college and no one will attend class so there is no need to get up and do stuff. But then I got a text.

Where are you?

I am at hostel, sleeping, why? I asked her.

You need to come here right now.like right now OK.

I ask again why?

She message me that she need to tell her mom that her boyfriend is a good person and all that.

I was like really, I mean I got humongous crush on her, I was waiting for her to break up with him( like she always does every two months) and she wants my help to convince her mom that her boyfriend is good person.

Now first, he was not a good person, but as you know girls always attracted to bad boys and they used them and break up, I try to make her understand but she just won’t listen, so I thought let the time make her understand and then she throws this bomb on me.

Now her mom knows that I am good guy, that’s why she needs me, it’s because she need something for me that’s why she message, otherwise I was nobody to her. I again said no to her and went back to sleep, cause I love sleep more.

15 minutes later I got few texts from her, she said, I have bottle of cold drinks in my hand and I mix poison in it, if you won’t come I will drink and die.

I immediately reply her, now what would you do in that situation, you will tell her no don’t do that, you call her and say I am coming. Try to console her. Make her understand that it’s wrong.that’s what normal people do, but you don’t know her like I do, so I text her back.
Please drink and die, let me sleep.

So cold-blooded am I? How can a decent human being do that to another? Are you mad? You are already hating me aren’t you? But it was the right move.

So I wake up in evening, I check my mobile, no text from her, so I messaged her, are you dead yet?

And after few minutes she replied,

You are a bad person, I hate you don’t text me ever.

Now you wondering what happened, my friend let me tell you how I deducted that, she maybe drink cold drinks but there is no poison in it, because she said I have poison in it and gave it away, if it was real then she would be specific about it that what kind of poison it was, but she just wants it to be dramatic that’s why she said poison.

Before that she told me you are the only person who can help me with my mom and all those buttering. If you want help then you just ask for it sincerely, if the matter was serious then she won’t act like soap opera actress. And girls always have best friend who is female and whom theirs parents trust and let them go with them. She doesn’t need me, but when her other friends won’t help her because that guy was bad, she came to me.

You see, girls are always a drama queen, they make the issue seems like so big that you get your whole attention in too it, you lost your arm, it’s ok she wipes her memory card and it’s most important thing then national secret. She will make it look like you are important for her but the minutes her work is over, she will throw you out like fly from tea.

I am not a cold-blooded sociopath, I am just good at reading people, from their behavior, from their voices even from their text. Because I have been fooled and cheated so many times. Either you learn from your mistake or you will be cheated again.

Why do I write – #ATOZCHALLENGE

There is a line in Gujarati poem, which says, missed aim is acceptable, but not aiming low. Means if you try and failed, it’s fine but not aiming for excellence, or higher goal is unacceptable.

I don’t quite remember when did I started writing, I remember I was little, I watched lion king cartoon and then it struck me, we have lion too, why don’t write an Indian version of lion king. And it was vacation time, I found all those last year’s used book of my brother and sister, tear all the remaining blank pages of it, clipped them together and start writing.

I used to sit whole afternoon and write, 30 to 40 pages every day, for 5 days. Ofcourse that time I was little so my attention span was short and then I started playing video game and forgot about it.

One day my brother found those pages and read, he goes to my mom and say, who write this? I already told my mom the whole story so she say it was me. He was so surprised, that his little brother can write and write that much.

I don’t have any magnum opus of my writing, yet. But I do believe that if I can enjoy my writing, if it’s give me goosebumps and make my cry, if I can enjoy my own writing every time I read, then I don’t need to worry about anyone’s opinion.

Yes, I had problems with grammars, and spelling mistakes, if you had seen my handwriting, you won’t be able to read. My teacher used to cut my marks for bad hand writing. I am lazy a little bit that’s all.

Is my writing is bad? I know it’s not up to the mark, but it’s not that bad.i like fiction, so I write fiction, this atoz was totally non-fiction, based on my life. And I have written very few post like this so I thought let’s try this and have a little fun.

Writing is work of precision, it’s about expressing your self, it’s like being Devils advocate and still managed to look spotless. You need to be harry Houdini and Harry Potter at the same time. Reader must believe that it’s not total fiction but little probable truth in it.

Vadaviyala – #ATOZCHALLENGE

Yes it sounds mouth full and little tongue Twister, but it’s my village name.
It’s not a big village or not any particular way unique, but after all is where I spend my childhood so it’s my favorite palace in the world.
Population around 4000, almost every cast of people live there happily, I have so many good memories of that place I cannot begin to elaborate.

The Best thing about it was its hospitality, I was little and I used to room around my house, anywhere I go people invite me in, sit beside me and talk and listen to my foolish blabber. If it was lunchtime then won’t let me go without eating.
That time we don’t have mobile, even telephone came many years later, me and my school friend used to play games which today’s generation won’t even hear of.

One of them was “khilla khutamni” it’s like a sharp rode, not so sharp but pointy, we throw it down on mud or soft wet soil, and aim for it. And the wooden spinning top, we play hours and hours with that. And marble was best time pass.
It would be shocking to you but when I was in school, parents used to came to teacher and say, please beat my child if he doesn’t learn well. I was like they hate him that much but after many years I understand. It was their love, they want a bright future for their children which they will never have.
We have amazing high school, it was so famous that almost every student around the village came there to study. It was most cherished year of my life.

And the greenery was beyond words, I love to walk and I take walk every morning and evening thru those farms.

It’s like gods own backyard. And people are so generous that they invite you in, give you cold water from well and any seasonal fruit. Once a farmer give us more than five kilos of mangoes to me and my friend, after we eat as much as we can.

People won’t believe when I say I was from village, the way I talk or walk or behave, I look like metro city boy but I will always be a villager. We always need to remember our roots, so that we can be humble in our victory.

Underdog – #ATOZCHALLENGE

​Field was set, every player was in position, here come the opening best man and it’s me(yeahhh me me me), both of the team player cheering me, even that shepherd with a single Buffalo and other spectator (people who don’t get to play turn out to be spectator cum coach cum commentators). I was walking towards my place, wielding my bat like a two face sword, jumping in confidence. I stand there and look at the fielding position (like I was going to hit six on first ball).

Here comes the bowler, taking short run and throwing the ball at speed of 100km per hour, it was tennis ball so it feels like 150, I was watching the ball, it lands on the middle of the pitch, I straighten my back and ready to hit it out of the ground and……

Oh shit, it landed on my face, right between the eye and on the nose, breaking my glasses and nose too. And it was pin dropped silence in the ground, they are thinking the same what I was thinking, what will my dad say?

You see I was not worried about pain or blood, I was worried about the glasses, what I will tell at home? If I told them I was hit by ball then my father would have beat the shit out of that person, that’s why that 6 foot tall guy was shivering.

It was tragic in so many ways, I was just 10 when I started playing there, and I was youngest, other boys were like married with two kids or 10 year older than me, I was bywiki for 2 years, mean standing behind wicket keeper and collecting the ball when he was chewing tobacco or being lazy. Then at the boundary, I was running back and forth. Finally, after 3.5 year I was giving opportunity to open for my team, otherwise they will played us for 4 balls with underarm bowling.

We have a big ground, it was a place where all the farmer gather their corps so British collector came and dived it by 70-30. Now it’s just a play ground, some time in middle of the game, the herd of cows and Buffalo came running so we sit, we used to call it Amul milk ad. After their departure we collect the dung and clean the pitch and start the game.

I was really good at cricket, despite being fat, spinning ball like Shane Warne, hitting huge sizes like shehwag. Even when I was 5 year old, my brother and his friends couldn’t get me out (and if they do I cheat and play again).

Last time I play in the big ground was in 12th STD, I was not so popular back then, but when I started batting, every one cheer for me. Now and then I play gali cricket but I like the big ground.

Yesterday was Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday, the legend whom we camper to God.it’s my tribute to him, cause every boy always feel the same once in his life like Sachin did every time.cause every champion was once an underdog who refused to give up.(I actually never opened again but it’s a good moral of the story right?)

The Dark Knight – #ATOZCHALLENGE

Atmosphere was intense, two boys sitting opposite of each other staring down on the chess board. It was qualifying match, 1 spot, two boys.

The board is almost empty, one has only a king and other one has pawn and rock, it’s look like easy win for him.

Not so fast boy.

Yes as you imagine, it was me with the only piece, a king. My king was running for his life, every other move was check and possibly mate.

Now if you don’t know what is chess, it’s ok, read it for amusement and gain little knowledge of game of wit.

So I was stuck and he was cornering me. And at one move, I was surrounded, no where to move. Now there is rule in chess, if the opposite player’s king have no where to move then it’s a draw. And its good news for me cause I was 0.5 point ahead of him. I jump and cheer and he was still looking at board, surprised, how his luck cheated him.

And then I was unstoppable, our team came second in tournament, we went to other city and win. I change my collage, and started chess club. Girls came to me and ask me to teach them.

I was in jamngar and I didn’t tell anyone that I knew chess that much. One boy came to me and say, let me teach you how to play chess, I demolished him in back-to-back game and then told him how much I know.

Then I lead my team to another tournament, I lost in semifinals, it was so stupid, I never played after that.

When I was little, I played chess with my brother and father, they let me win sometimes, later my brother played his best game and after end of his vacation it was 50-2, I lost 50 game and win only two. But I was persistence. After many years when I win against my brother, he told me. You defeat your brother, now you know how to play chess, and it was the only reason I played chess, just for one compliment from my brother.

So it’s ok to loss thousands time, it’s ok to loss ten thousand more. Because one day you know every move you don’t need to play to win.

​Stupendous, superlative, secretive home – #ATOZCHALLENGE

You must have seen in movies, old house, lots of room, secret passage, secret doors. What if I tell you, I had lived in one for 15 years of my life.

As I told you before, first 15 years of my life I spend at my village near gir forest and my home was biggest and tallest of all.my grandmother used to say, people from around 7 villages can see our house.

It’s 3 storey building, and total of 15 rooms, 6 rooms are so big that my class room were smaller than that. The main door was around 10 fit tall and same width. It was made of wood and very heavy with lots of carving.

Look alot like this but square

That house was around 100 year old, most of made out like regular houses but wood was used in exceptional way. And it was made in old Victorian English style. There was two very big and old swings in the house. Made out of heavy wood and look like park bench. The chain that hold that swing was in brass and it was not a single chain, but pieces of chain so that you can assemble it.

Almost the same

The second floor had only one room, but it was big with lots of windows and a balcony. There was life-size statue of Radha Krishna craved on the outside of one wall.

We have little garden and little swing in the middle of it and then there is old house.it was once used for people who later lived in the big house, then as stable for horses and cow. Don’t think it as small house, it was bigger than most of 2 BHK flats now days. And yes we have big coconut tree in that garden which never produced any coconut.

After that, there was big step well inside our house, abandoned now, surrounded by tall grass and two bathrooms and toilet and one place for washing clothes. There was a time when whole village came to that step well for water. And there was another big door, actually it was back door. And it was giant made out of wood.

Square one, not round.

Another special things about the house was, we have secret passage under the house, I have been told that many years ago, bandit regularly came and kill people, so they made a little room and underneath there was passage joined by another big house. And we have so many cupboards, it was wood. And they have secret compartment. I had found many of them but still there are many yet to discover.

Lots of hurricanes and earthquake passed but it’s still standing, little damage but still amazing. I am so frustrated when I wanted to write about my house cause I don’t have any pictures of it. But you just have to trust me on it.

They say people built house, but I would say that house has built me. Rocks are solid but can be broken easily, wood is dependable. That’s why we have a big wooden beam to support the whole house. Be the wood, get chopped down but still stronger.

Remember the cobra – #ATOZCHALLENGE

Cobra, mean the snake. The bad ass of all snakes in India, most dangerous and poisonous of all here. And I miss it. Crazy right? Let me elaborate.
As I told you before, we lived near gir forest, and snake just love to visit us often. From my early days of childhood, one thing I remember the most is snake.

In the house, in garden, on tree, in little holes in ground, everywhere. My mom used to think there must be a connection between me and those snake cause most of the time, I spot them first.

Now, I am very curious person, if I see anything suspicious, I go and check it by my self, so there is numbers of time I had touch the snake, and when it moves, without panicking, I move little backwards, go to mom and tell her. 
Somehow, I love watching them. I forgot to include them in my nightmares post, but I did have nightmares about snake, like snakes everywhere and normal people would be freak out, but I enjoyed that dream.

People who died because of snake bite, 90% of time it’s their fault, snake is very shy thing. But if you disturb them, well you know what happens.
There was a time in monsoon, when I pick something up in garden, like my school bag and I see dozens of little snake sleeping under it, so I just take it slowly, collect them and on newspaper and release them outside, I was probably 10 or 11.

The last encounter I had with snake was 3 years ago, I was walking back to home, at around 12 midnight, and my colleague was with me, and suddenly he stopped me and flash light the path, there was little snake on the road, if he hadn’t stop me, I maybe footed on it and get bitten, funny thing is, on the same night earlier, I had seen a big fat long snake, probably 6 to 7 feet long.

I am not stupidly brave but I am just lucky, that after touching so many snakes I am still alive, don’t you ever do that. If you find it at your home then call the snake guy, just don’t kill them. In India, we worship snakes, but people just need to get their frustration out and that poor little snake caught in middle of it. Don’t ever kill them.

It reminds me of a song, that song in my way will be like, I am here without you snakey, but we are still together in my dreams.

I caught this one many years ago in my home, later i release it